The birth order effect
Whether youโre a confident but controlling first-born or a resourceful yet restless middle child, your positioning in the family can affect everything from your choice of career to how successful your marriage is
The order weโre born in โ first, middle or youngest child โ is outside our control. So it can make us uncomfortable to think that our birth order can play a significant part in our success, our personality โ the direction of our life. Surely, these things are not set before we even get started? And yet, we all know a โtypical middle childโ, we recognise โclassic only-child behaviourโ. And the over-achievement of the first-born is one of the most consistent findings in child psychology. So how big a role does birth order play?
Iโm coming from a vulnerable, emotionally charged and pregnant perspective. I have two daughters, aged five and six, and am about to add a third baby to the mix. At the moment, Ruby, our eldest, has life sussed. Sheโs independent, educationally gifted and sometimes I think I could leave her in Sainsburyโs and sheโd probably look after herself. Tara, her younger sister, is the one who wants the cuddles, who frets if Iโm not first at the door when school finishes. The idea that sheโll soon be shoved out of her space as the baby of the family and squashed into the middle fills me with guilt. Is it downhill for her from now on?
The importance of birth order was first set out by the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. Michael Grose, an Adlerian-trained parenting expert and author of Why First-borns Rule The World And Last-borns Want To Change It (Random House, ยฃ12.99), explains the basics. โWeโre in a Darwinian struggle from the moment weโre born, fighting for scarce resources within a family โ our parentsโ time, love and affection,โ he says. Through human evolution, birth order has determined who inherits power (the first-born) and who is sent to war (the youngest as he was the โspareโ).
First born
Historically, first-borns have been less likely to die in infancy, are less susceptible to disease and, as adults, are more likely to reproduce. They are their parentsโ โblue-chip securityโ, whose birth is most eagerly anticipated, whose first steps, first words, first everythings are celebrated. โTypical first-borns are appro-val-seeking missiles,โ says Grose. โTheyโve been showered with attention and identify strongly with power.โ First-borns are thought to be conscientious and achievement-oriented. A study of Norwegians born between 1912 and 1975 found that educational achievement was highest in first-borns and diminished the further down the birth order you got, despite little difference in IQ. The legal profession is, says Grose, filled with first-borns. World leaders are also overwhelmingly first-born children. On the negative side, first-borns are the only ones who experience having their parents all to themselves, then having to share them. For this reason, theyโre thought to be anxious, emotionally intense, defensive and prone to jealous rages.
These are all characteristics that fit Sarah Ruskell, 43. The eldest of three, sheโs a successful academic, married with three children. As a child, she was serious, bookish and mature. โI had a younger sister and brother who were much naughtier on a daily basis,โ she says. โBut if I was pushed, if they messed up my room or touched my records, Iโd rage. Any threat to my power, I suppose.โ
Another characteristic of first-borns, according to Frank Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel (Abacus), is caution and aversion to risk. Theyโre the least likely to travel or be physically daring. Again, this fits Sarah. While her middle brother took up hang-gliding and both siblings backpacked round the world, Sarahโs biggest adventure to date is a thunderstorm in France. Many theorists group only children among first-borns ยญโ although they never experience having to share their parents, nor the frictions, fights or fondness that comes with siblings. For this reason, they feel like outsiders, distanced from much of life. The only child is thought to be extremely mature, aloof, someone who expects a special standing.
Middle child
So what about the middle child? According to Darwinian theory, they lose out as they are neither the precious, able, oldest,ยญ nor the vulnerable youngest. Their strength is that they learn to be more flexible and sociable, to compromise and build coalitions. โMiddle children tend to be more relaxed,โ says Grose. James, 39, is a typical case. Born between his sister and brother, he has always been easy-going, and loves to be surrounded by friends. Yet his affability comes at a price. โI turned my back on becoming a pro rugby player because I lacked competitive drive,โ he says. As the first-born boy, James didnโt struggle to establish his own identity as some middle-borns do, but, he says, โif I wanted something I definitely had to shout the loudest to make myself heardโ.
Gemma, 33, the middle of three sisters, found it harder to carve out her niche. โI lived in my older sisterโs shadow, and was overlooked in favour of my younger sister,โ she says. โI felt left out, and overcompensated by forging friendships outside the family.โ She also became a skilled negotiator. โAs a โmiddleโ I was the peacemaker. I still use those skills now, and Iโm good at seeing everyoneโs point of view.โ
Last born
The youngest children are more likely to question the order of things, and develop a โrevolutionary personalityโ. Many last-borns choose a completely different path to their older siblings to avoid direct competition. They are the babies of the family, and may grow up expecting others to take responsibility. โTheyโre not lifeโs volunteers,โ says Grose. โTheyโre more likely to put others in service.โ As the youngest of three, I can recognise myself in that. Growing up, I was the most likely to have blazing rows with my dad, I sympathised with the underdog and Iโm not a volunteer. (At family get-togethers, Iโm still the least helpful.) But a lonely outsider, struggling with an inferiority complex? It seems harsh to condemn anyone to this description simply on the basis of where they stand in the family.
Grose admits the effects of birth order can vary according to different factors, including temperament, gender and age gap. Lucy McDonald is the third of five children, but was the first girl. โIโve got a mix of middle and oldest child traits,โ she says. โYou can have an easy-going first-born, which will ease the competition all the way down,โ says Grose. โIf the children are the same sex, the competition is more extreme โยญ two boys close together produces the most rivalry, and, generally, the closer the age gap, the more dramatic the birth-order effect. When the gap is more than five years, itโs greatly diminished.โ Grose has found birth order a useful tool when dealing with adult clients. โRecently, I was approached by a professional in her forties who was basically worn out,โ he says. โShe admitted that, as a child, she was always playing catch-up with her sister, who was two years older than her. She had always tried to run as fast and be as clever, and the pattern had played out her whole life. As an adult, she was competitive in everything ยญโ sheโd replaced her older sister with her colleagues, her boss, her friends. Despite career success, she was never happy with herself. Helping her see the problem through the context of birth order put her on the path to understanding and modifying her behaviour patterns.โ
Cliff Isaacson, author of Birth Order Effect for Couples (Fair Winds, ยฃ9.99), believes birth order can even help you find a partner. โTwo third-borns make the best couples,โ he says. โThey relate without conflict, thereโs a lot of humour and they make a protective environment for their children. Two first-borns rarely connect, thereโs no compromise, itโs not a happy relationship.โ
According to Isaacson, however, birth order is not a fixed state. โItโs a set of strategies developed in childhood to cope with your siblings (or lack of them), parents and the family situation,โ he says. โAs you get older, you may learn other ways of interacting with your peers. The best reason for studying your birth order is to understand yourself or your children a little better โ then overcome it.โ
Are you a born leader? More than half the US Presidents, every US astronaut and most Nobel prize-winners have been either first born or an only child. Typical professions are law, politics, science and accountancy.
First-borns: Bill and Hillary Clinton, George W Bush, Saddam Hussein, Benito Mussolini, Adolf Hitler (actually his motherโs first surviving child), Kylie Minogue, Cherie Blair.
Only children: Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, Franklin D Roosevelt, Jean Paul Sartre, Burt Bacharach, Frank Sinatra, Tiger Woods.
Middle children: many middle children work in retail, sales, fashion, advertising or the caring professions. Stella McCartney, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jacqueline du Prรฉ, Princess Diana, Cindy Crawford, Cate Blanchett, Emily Brontรซ.
Last children: thought to be rebels, non-conformists, also drawn to creative professions and performing arts. Joan of Arc, Mahatma Gandhi, Charles Darwin, Leon Trotsky, Charlie Chaplin, Hugh Grant, Johnny Depp.
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