Mel Robbins: ‘I don’t hold back, I love being the villain’

Self-help superstar Mel Robbins tells Sally Saunders about her latest book, ‘Let Them‘, and why her daughter dropping F-bombs was a life-changing moment.

Words: Sally Saunders. Images: Jenny Moloney

It’s an old saying that most overnight successes have actually been hard at work for years, and perhaps never is that more true than in the case of Mel Robbins.

Her star has been on the rise for a long time: her podcast has been flying high in the charts since she launched it in 2022, and she’s been writing best-sellers for the last 10 years.

But since the launch of her new book, The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, she’s gone positively stratospheric. Whether it’s her viral morning routine, her take on the menopause, or the ‘Let Them Theory’ itself, it’s been hard to find much media in the last few weeks that hasn’t mentioned her. Articles, podcasts, TV shows, other books: you name it, the world is talking about Mel Robbins.

Understandably, it’s hard to catch up with someone so much in demand, and when you throw in the California wildfires, a bout of covid and various other craziness, it takes quite some effort for us to connect. So I’m surprised when we do eventually meet for a call: far from the mega-star image, who is used to appearing with the likes of Oprah and various Kardashians, she is in fact the most warm and funny woman — complete with a single roller in her hair and no make-up.

‘I’m running around like a lunatic this morning, because I spread everything out in a hotel room, and then, and I’m like, “Where did I put that stuff?”’ she laughs. ‘It’s ok, you can see me in my natural state.’ It’s the most disarming, generous start to an interview I can remember, and it’s Robbins all over.

She’s one of the world’s most followed and sought-after experts in mindset, behaviour change, and life improvement, but her overwhelming emotion is not pride, but gratitude.

‘I feel humbled by the fact that people are listening and that they’re in a moment in history where you have no time, people are making time to listen to something that could help them,’ she says. ‘And I am so excited that people are excited about a book that’s not fantasy, that has you escape your life, but that actually helps you go deeper into your life.

‘Podcasting is not like social media, where you bump into something: instead you have to select an episode and hit play. There’s an intentional action by a human being to find time and make time to listen to it. And I see our our success as the aggregate effect of one person at a time deciding to find time to invest in themselves.

The new book is inspired by a phrase her younger daughter used when Robbins was being a ‘typical mom’ at her son’s high school prom, trying to micromanage everything and upsetting everyone in the process.

‘It was that experience where you literally feel yourself becoming a psycho, and you can’t stop yourself, and the words are coming out of your mouth, and as soon as they’re out of your mouth, you’re trying to get them back,’ she says.

‘That was me, and I was putting my whole family on edge. My daughter, who was home from college, just reached over and grabbed my arm and said “Mom, you’re being annoying.”

‘And she just kept saying, almost like a chorus in a song, “Let him get his tux wet. Let them eat where they want. Let him ruin his sneakers, let them dance in the rain, let them do what they want.” She had a couple F-bombs in there too, because she was really cranking up the chorus!

Read fellow podcaster Zoe Blaskey’s thoughts on modern motherhood and more here

‘And there was something about that moment: you know how they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” That was the moment that it actually hit my nervous system. And I then said to myself, “Let them” and I felt my shoulders drop.’

This aspect of trying to give up controlling others makes up the central tenet of the book, but Robbins is keen to point out that it’s not an entirely new idea, so why does she think it’s having such an impact?

‘It’s resonating for a number of reasons,’ she says. ‘Number one, I didn’t make up the law that in order to take control, you have to stop controlling everything else. This is the truth about life: your life is not about what’s happening out there. All your power is in your response to it.

‘This is stoicism, Buddhism, the Serenity Prayer. It’s detachment theory. It’s radical acceptance.’

‘My mother’s version of Let Them was “Pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.”

‘And so I think one of the reasons why this has exploded is because it exists within us, and within ancient wisdom. But I have made it modern in writing this book, I’ve turned it into a tool. ‘Because I think we all want to be able to not be so controlling, or not have the world affect us so deeply, and yet we don’t know how, because we’re all so stressed out and overwhelmed.

‘We’re at a moment in time where it’s scary, where the headlines make you feel helpless. And you know, I think this tool gives you some grounding. And so, it’s actually a continuation of what is true about life that we’ve always known is true. And I’m reminding you of that.’

Small steps to ‘let them‘

Robbins is keen to point out that much of her work has in fact dialled in to this wisdom — and science — that is already out there, with a little bit of her own secret sauce to make people want to read on.

‘That’s what I’ve done in my work for 10 years!’ she laughs. ‘I have this ability to make what is theoretical and intellectual tactical and applicable to anybody’s life. The Five Second Rule is also not a new idea: it’s a tool that you use to tap intrinsic motivation, it’s what they call activation energy in physics and psychology.

‘The High Five Habit is not a new concept; it’s all about a field of study called neurobics, and it’s also about the fact that how you treat yourself is the definition of self worth. But how do you do those things in real life?’

It’s all true, no doubt, but there’s also more to it than simply modifying an ancient truth, or coming up with a fresh way to talk about psychology: Robbins’ authentic voice speaks out from every page.

She agrees: ‘The stories are really important, because it shows you how both the trying to control everything backfires, even though you have good intention, and why this actually works. And so I use stories, and they’re all true. So it’s very empowering, because I’m not talking down to you. You’re like, “Oh yeah, she’s right. I do the same damn thing.”

‘It’s personal because I screwed up. I didn’t know what is in this book. I lived my life like in the opposite of the Let Them Theory for 54 years, and I can see the stress I caused myself. I can see the angst and the jealousy. I can see how I stopped myself. I can see how I was a nightmare in relationships because I didn’t know and so I was just like, “We’re going there. Let’s actually unpack this.”

‘And I don’t hold back. I love being the villain, because if I could use the things that I’ve done in my life that I regret or that I’m embarrassed by, and I can use that for good, then that’s a life well lived. If I can save you the heartache and the headache that I caused myself or other people, now you got a fighting chance to not do that to yourself.

‘I’ve wasted decades of my life talking myself out of the things that would have changed it, and it caused me so much pain, and I also know that there is something you can do now. It may not resolve all the problems that you face, but if you actually try some of the things that the experts share, or that you know I’m sharing because it’s worked for a friend, or it’s worked for me, and you start to feel slightly more empowered and slightly better, that just changes the experience that you have in life. And that’s all it takes.’

This focus on small changes making us all feel a little better truly resonates. And it’s this simple way of opening things up that makes such a massive difference. ‘I’m trying to reach you the way that I would reach you if you and I were taking a walk,’ she goes on. ‘My whole brand is take a walk with a friend. Because when you and I go for a walk, even if we’re just meeting for the first time, we would connect. And because you’re not making eye contact, you don’t feel like this was an interview or an inquisition, and so you’re literally side by side with somebody.

‘That’s how I feel about the person that’s listening to the podcast: we’re side by side. I’m not better than you. We’re on this road of life together. And there are going to be times, where you’re ahead of me. You’ve moved through something with somebody in your family that I’m now dealing with, and you are best equipped to help the person you used to be. There are to be times where I’m ahead of you by two or three steps, and I can share that with you.

‘When you and I go for a walk together, we always feel better, no matter what it’s doing weather-wise. We always learn something.

‘We always leave feeling more energised. We also have something we typically want to do, a book you want to read, you have something that you want to share to a friend. And so whether I’m bumping into you on the street or I am writing a book or working on a podcast episode, my goal is to show up in your life in a way that is worth your time, and help you feel just a little bit better. ‘I’m not trying to get you to run an ultra marathon.

‘This is about reminding you of the things that matter to you and your capability to just move the ball down the field a little bit, and trust that that could make you feel a little better.’

The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About by Mel Robbins (Hay House, £17.99) is out now.

Listen to Mel’s podcast here, or follow her on instagram here.