How to manage a toxic mother
You love her - but are you always on high alert around your mum?
She says she loves you. You know she needs you.
Yet you are on high alert in her company, waiting for the next outburst or put-down. The time you spend with her leaves you feeling apologetic, unworthy, unlovable or timid โ and these beliefs pervade every area of your life. The effects of a difficult mother are profound.
Fortunately, there are ways to manage your adult relationship with your mother that can help minimise her negative influence, says psychologist Marisa Peer:
โข The first step is acceptance. You cannot change who your mother is. You cannot fundamentally change the relationship: it is as long as your life. The toxic mother is either in denial or so skilled at deflecting your needs or justifying your relationship that you are unlikely ever to talk her round.
โข Focus on what you can control, which is your reaction to her. Instead of hurling accusations, frame your complaints as your own feelings: โI donโt like it when you do that. Youโre making me feel uncomfortable.โ She may still dismiss your feelings, but you have sent out the signal that you donโt accept how she makes you feel.
โข If your health is actually suffering, Iโd advise ending face-to-face contact. Clients are often horrified when I suggest this, but frequently report feelings of peace and liberty. Despite what is culturally entrenched, you do not have to see your mother.
โข If cutting off contact is not an option, try to control the circumstances in which you do see her. Itโs common to spend entire weekends with our mothers. Why, if you know it will end in an eruption? Lunch in public robs her of the control of her own territory, and also makes it easier to leave. In public with others sheโs less likely to be evil. Even asserting control over the venue will make you feel better.
โข Use her own techniques and refuse to take on board her moods by asserting your own, positive, resolute point in response to any goading. โThis dress makes me feel good. I like it and Iโm going to wear it,โ or โI will do it this way, it works for meโ.
โข Sometimes, threatening to leave is the only way to make your point. โItโs not working out today. Iโm going to leave a little earlier, or โI donโt want any negativity. Iโll see you when youโre in a better mood.โ
โข Finally, seek out other sources of support. Psychologist Dorothy Rowe says there is plenty of evidence that the influence and โprogrammingโ of a mother can be overridden by other significant figures like relatives, in particular aunts, or even a teacher. These can both bolster your confidence and diminish your reliance on your mother.