How to make friends (and keep them!)

‘It can be tricky to meet new friends as grown-ups, because we move in different settings once we leave educational spaces such as school and university,’ says clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas.

‘That’s why lots of adult friendships often start in the workplace or in the local community, such as in baby or toddler groups, or school parents connect with other school parents. If you work from home or don’t go out much, it can be even harder to meet new people to make friends with.’

I’ve had periods in my adult life where I’ve felt lonely and wished to have more friends. It can be painful when you see big groups socialising together over drinks at a restaurant, or to wonder whether there is something about you that makes it hard to make friends. But it’s really common to be lonely as an adult – so you’re very much not alone.

Our self-confidence can be a big contributor to the challenge of making friends. ‘It can be as hard to strike up a conversation with a potential new friend as it is to do with someone you fancy,’ Thomas says. ‘If you find it anxiety-provoking to ask someone out on a date, compassionately remind yourself that asking someone for their number or a meet-up can also feel like that – you are putting yourself out on a limb, being vulnerable and risking rejection.

That fear of judgment, humiliation or rejection is one of our most deep-seated human fears, so no wonder you feel nervous! “If you don’t ask, you don’t get” is a useful mantra, here, to cheer yourself on as you approach new people,’ she adds.

Perhaps there are people you already know who you feel could be a potential friend. It may be that colleague you always have a good laugh with, or the person at Pilates who you chat with at the end of each class. But you may feel nervous about trying to develop this connection into a friendship. ‘Remind yourself of the phrase “courage over confidence” to pluck up the nerve to do something brave, such as asking for a meet-up with someone you like,’ says Thomas.

‘Remember that social fears are very common fears, which means that the person you are nervous about approaching could be equally anxious, also worrying about what you think of them. We don’t know what goes on in other people’s minds, but often I see socially anxious people judge themselves on behalf of other people, not even giving the other person a chance to like or dislike them.

‘If you can remind yourself that you are as worthy of connection and friendship as everyone else, and that everyone gets socially anxious some of the time, it might take the pressure off yourself a bit,’ adds Thomas. ‘Try to steer your focus outwards, instead of being stuck focusing on the negative predictions in your mind of how others judge you or evaluate you negatively. Focus on the topic and the facial expressions in the other person, to be more grounded in the here and now.

‘Paradoxically, when we are too self-focused in our attention, because of worrying about how we come across, we get perceived as less likeable and even aloof. Notice your fears and worries, and steer your attention back to the person opposite you. They may well rate you more favorably than your inner critical voice would like you to believe.’

It can help to think of natural ways to move the friendship forwards, such as suggesting having a coffee together after a class, or having lunch with that colleague you click with. This gives you the chance to test the water and gently see how things progress.

It’s important to remember that there are lots of reasons why the other person may turn this down – they may genuinely be too busy, or they may have a lot going on in their life right now and feel like they don’t have the time to build another friendship. Chances are, though, that there is someone you already know who could potentially become a closer friend.

There is also the barrier of not being in scenarios to meet new people, especially, as Thomas says, if you work from home or have other reasons why you don’t tend to be around others. If you’re in that situation and feeling lonely, it can feel isolating and hard to know what to do.

Try tapping into what you enjoy, as there are likely events or groups linked to this that you could get involved with. It could be signing up to a painting class, joining a sewing circle, a writers’ group, a walking group, community arts, or a swimming club. Take a look at what’s available near you (searching online or on social media is a good way of doing this). Volunteering is another possible route for making friends, especially if you’re coming together with like-minded people over something you care about.

For me, going along to poetry nights in local bars, and book parties at a lovely independent book shop, have been great ways to meet new people while doing something enjoyable. I find that being there over a shared interest makes it easier to strike up a conversation.

I can go up to someone and say, ‘Hey, I really liked that line in the poem you read,’ and suddenly I find myself chatting with a stranger in a relaxed way, and feeling part of a community. A lot of people who go to groups and events are also looking to meet new people and would welcome having someone to talk with. The evening before I started writing this, I went along to one of these poetry nights, aware that I didn’t know many people there.

At first, I felt a little awkward, sitting by myself and sipping my drink, watching the room fill out with people chatting and laughing. I remembered Michaela Thomas’s advice of ‘courage over confidence’, took a breath, and then struck up a conversation with another woman who was there alone. ‘Have you been to many of these?’ I asked her.

We got talking, and spent the whole evening sitting together, chatting between the poetry readings and laughing like old friends, finding lots of common ground. As we waited for our taxis home, we both admitted how we’d been nervous about attending alone, and were relieved to have found someone to talk to. I was so glad I’d taken the chance to speak with her – and we left with each other’s contact details, and the promise to meet again.

‘Focus more on finding the right people for you to truly belong with, than trying to fit in with everyone,’ says Thomas.

6 Habits to Keep Your Friendships Strong

Friendships take nurturing. Whether it’s someone you’ve recently connected with, or a childhood friend, here are six tips from the experts on how to keep your friendships strong…

Georgina Sturmer’s tips:

• Spend quality time together. This doesn’t mean you need to plan big adventures – sometimes doing nothing together with a friend is the most enjoyable time of all.

• Lean on your friends when you need support. When we rely on our friends, and open up about our vulnerabilities, we build stronger bonds.

• Have a standing date in the diary. Life is so busy that it can be hard to make time for each other, so if you can book a fortnightly or monthly slot in the diary, then it makes it easier to stick to.

Michaela Thomas’s tip:

• Remember just how your friend likes to be shown love and affection. They may appreciate your listening ear, or you coming to fix their broken bike. Your friend can have a different love language to you, so be curious about what makes them feel appreciated.

Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo’s tips:

• Check in with each other. Sometimes in a friendship we can become too familiar and forget to talk. It’s important to keep communication going, to know what the friendship needs.

• Actively listen, and let them feel heard. Don’t try to problem-solve as a default response.

Words: Caroline Butterwick