How to keep your love alive
Is it possible to keep romantic love burning brightly despite the relentless stresses of life, everyday bickering, uncertainty, depression and even infidelity? Two years into her marriage, can Ali Roff uncover the secret to everlasting love?
7 minute read
Our story starts in 2007. Iโm in the university library, studying for a psychology exam, when a smiling face pops up over the top of my computer. Heโs got three Flumps sweets in his hand, and theyโre all for me. I reach out to tickle him on the stomach and an electric bolt runs through me. I pull my hand away. What just happened? I blush with embarrassment, and then I realiseโฆ I fancy him! This boy โ a friend โ who is so kind, caring and funny. How have I only just seen it? He is everything.
Twelve years later, and that boy is now a man, my husband, and heโs still everything. They say time flies when youโre having fun โ and the two years since we got married have gone in a flash. Of course, not every day, week, or even month has been perfect but, more often than not, weโre happy. Yet, witnessing other marriages fall apart in their first few years makes me see how vulnerable they can be. Until recently, the โDโ word was something I linked to friendsโ parents โ not friends of mine. When I heard that a couple of my mates had filed for divorce last year, my heart almost stopped. Is it possible to keep love, real love, alive forever?
Our honeymoon period might be over, but the flames that fire our partnership are our foundation. Of course we argue, but itโs been during our darker moments that Iโve realised how much I have to learn from the person I married. Our relationship is an ever-evolving thing, and thatโs what makes it feel so rich. So, how can I ensure that the embers of our love radiate warmly forever?
โEvery relationship is differentโ says Sarah Abell, couples coach and founder of Naked Hedgehogs, โbut there are some core foundations under a solid relationship, which come down to having a strong connection. Once you have this, itโs a bit like a washing line โ you hang your issues and differences on it and, if that โconnectionโ is not strong, the line will collapse.โ In the lead-up to our wedding, people warned โmarriage is hard workโ. I remember thinking โwork?โ โ Iโm madly in love; it never feels like work, even when helping each other navigate deep, dark oceans of anxiety and uncertainty. But is this what people mean by โworkโ โ keeping our connection strong? And, if so, how do we do it?
Misreading the signs
I look back over the past year. No dramatic revelations or betrayals, thank goodness, but periods of impatience and bickering; a sporadic dimming of our light, the reason for which is a riddle Iโve not been able to crack. โWe all have weeks in our relationships when the toilet seat has been left up, or the toothpaste cap has been left off, and they are the most irritating things weโve ever come across, and then we have weeks when we donโt notice these things at all. In periods of irritation, our connection to our partner is probably weaker than usual. Instead of seeing this as a sign of โmaybe I need to fix our connectionโ, what we often think is โI need to sort out the toothpaste situationโ,โ says Abell. โWe look at the issues, rather than whatโs behind them, which is, at some level, that weโve become disconnected. Itโs probably more about a [lack of] connection, than about the toothpaste or the loo seat.โ
But what exactly is connection? What does it mean in practical terms? โItโs the sense of โAre you there for me? Am I safe with you? Do you respond when I need you?โ When we fear our partner is not there, or accessible, to us, we can react in a negative way,โ says Abell. โIt feels empowering to know that any squabbling or irritability that shows up isnโt necessarily a negotiation that needs to be had, but actually an indicator of where to focus our energy. I think back to the argument about housework we were dancing around a few months ago, and can see now that it miraculously dissipated into nothing as soon as we took a planned trip to Scotland. A coincidence? No, according to Abell, a few days away walking in nature, being together and talking solidified our real, true connection โ and the housework argument went away.
Could ending our bickering really be as simple as this? Making our connection a priority? It seems obvious but, actually, with the demands of life, we agree that itโs easy to put each other last, because we assume the other person will just โbe thereโ. We vow to make more time to disconnect from life and reconnect with each other. โMost relationships will cope to a point,โ says Abell, โbut, over time, like a plant needs water, we need nurturing, too. No relationship is going to survive without investment of time, energy or attention.โ
Care enough to argue
But what happens when itโs not about the toothpaste cap, but something bigger? What do we do when we really have something to fight about? I talk to Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist who has written 19 books on the subject, including Can We Start Again Please? Twenty Questions To Fall Back In Love (Marshall Method Publishing, ยฃ6.99) and The Happy Coupleโs Tool Handbook, out later this year. โIf I had just one piece of advice, it would be to argue more. Most of us donโt know how; we either never learned, or we learned how catastrophic arguing can be,โ he says. Is arguing cathartic, then? โAn argument brings issues to the surface where they can be dealt with; it tells us what things are important, and itโs where we discover where the passion is. Thatโs the thing about rowing, itโs actually passion โ it shows that we care. Burying issues is what we do with flatmates,โ says Marshall.
If arguing is so therapeutic, why doesnโt it feel that way? I tell Marshall I hate arguments, and ask how I can defuse them. โYou donโt like arguments, so you duck invitations for them; put up with wet towels on the bed, or whatever. You have opportunities for a row that you swallow, and then you do what I call โbottle and blowโ โ where it only takes one tiny thing and off you go. Your partner thinks, โSheโs overreacting! All I did wasโฆโ But they havenโt noticed the things youโve swallowed.โ This is exactly what I do, and I see how my not-so-clever tactic isnโt working. How do I get around it? โTalk earlier! Donโt wait till youโre about to boil over, then the arguments will be smaller and easier to get over,โ he says. Aha!
The cheat’s guide
Then thereโs the topic every couple needs to discuss: infidelity. I canโt see either of us straying but, then again, why would anyone swear vows to each other if they knew that further down the line, one of them was going to be unfaithful? If prevention, not cure, is the answer, then I need to understand why affairs happen in the first place. I seek out the guru on this subject, relationship therapist Esther Perel. โHow do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practised?โ she asks in her TED Talk โRethinking infidelity… A talk for anyone who has ever lovedโ. She explains that infidelity is largely misunderstood. โThe definition of infidelity keeps expanding. Sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating appsโฆ There is no universally agreed upon definition of what even constitutes infidelity.โ
I see this around me; each relationship has its own set of rules. Iโve consoled friends who have felt betrayed by their partners for radio silence on nights out, and been baffled by others who have taken back their partners after affairs. Infidelity means different things to different people. Perel describes her favourite definition as the following key elements: โA secret relationship which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and sexual alchemy.โ
I realise weโve never sat down and agreed on a set of rules. For us, I guess itโs been more a sense of feeling them out over time; getting to know each otherโs boundaries. Perhaps one reason we are still together 12 years later is because our inherent boundaries are similar, and so weโve never pushed each other into the danger zone. But a friend adds food for thought: People change โ we might not always have the same boundaries, and what about if, or when, temptation comes along? Abell brings it back to connection. โWhen we feel weakly connected and we try to answer, โHas my partner been there for me? Do they love me? Does what I do matter?โโฆ If we answer no, it increases the chance of looking for a yes elsewhere. But, if we can answer those questions with strong yeses, it protects us from looking; thatโs not to say temptation wonโt come along, but we may be less willing to act on it,โ she says. Marshall sums it up perfectly: โWe need to understand why affairs happen. I have an equation that answers this: problem + poor communication + temptation = an affair.โ
After all this valuable wisdom, I ask the people whose relationships I admire the most to tell me their secret. My friend, Eminรฉ Kali Rushton, Psychologies Wellbeing Director-at-Large, shares that she and her partner also โfelt outโ their boundaries together. โI think our relationship feels so love-filled because we have dedicated time apart, doing things that fill us up and stop us feeling depleted. We have an unspoken agreement that when we come back together, the dayโs challenges will have been sorted through and left in peace, and we spend positive quality time together. The simplest stuff knits us together.โ
Hard work, you say?
Then thereโs the relationship I hold in the highest regard, because Iโve seen what goes into it over many years: my parentsโ. Mum tells me, โTrust is easily lost, so be careful with it. And, if you can laugh together, youโre halfway there. Your Dad still makes me laugh, and I make him laugh. It doesnโt matter if no one else gets it!โ I think of how my heart lights up when I make my husband chuckle, and how his face glows when he makes me giggle; a glow of connection! When weโre laughing, weโre connected. What is the key to keeping love alive? Perhaps itโs as simple as making it our mission to make each other laughโฆ And, as for the warnings that โmarriage is hard workโ, itโs clear any relationship needs investment to stay rooted. I canโt help but think that taking time to connect with, listen to, prioritise and make the person I love laugh may not always be easy, but itโs not โhard workโ.
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