How to deal with friendship problems

For all the joy friendships can bring, they have their fair share of challenges, too. You might know someone who’s been a friend for a while, but you feel there are problems in the relationship and you aren’t sure whether to try to fix things – or whether it’s best to let it go.

‘Friendships are generally built on common ground – this might be school, a workplace or a living situation, or a shared hobby or interest,’ says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. ‘What’s tricky about friendships is that we sometimes expect them to last forever.

There’s a road map for romantic relationships to ebb and flow, to make up and to break up, but there isn’t the equivalent framework for friendships. This can mean that it’s hard to notice, or acknowledge, if a friendship has run its course. We don’t always want to admit it to ourselves, or we might feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.’

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Sturmer identifies some key reasons why friendship problems can arise:

• Changes in circumstances. As we move through education and through our careers, we might suddenly find ourselves spending less time with someone who we used to see every day. Similarly, decisions around where we live and starting a family can get in the way of our existing friendship bonds.

• Changes in our relationship status. If we are suddenly single, or suddenly coupled-up, then this change to our status quo can have a ripple effect. Some friends might welcome the idea that we are making changes, but in other cases, it might pose a threat to the balance of our friendships.

• Economic compatibility. Disparities in income can be an often-unspoken threat to friendships. If we have more – or less – to spend than our friends, this can lead to practical challenges in terms of how we spend our time, along with emotional challenges in the form of jealousy or frustration.

• Differing belief systems. Moral, political and ethical issues can also come in the way of our friendships, or sometimes we are faced with a situation where we fundamentally disagree with something that our friend has done.

You may recognize some of this in your own friendships, but it doesn’t always spell the end. It’s normal for there to be shifts. It would be difficult, for example, for me to see the friends I made at university as often as I did in my student days – busy jobs and the fact some of them now live far away means those days of impromptu drinks in the students’ union bar just aren’t realistic.

But, instead, we’ve adapted, from making the time for monthly dinners (scheduled further in advance than we would have done as students), to video calls and checking in over messages for those who live far away.

Sometimes, though, there can be bigger issues, so how can we tell when a friendship is faltering? ‘This often begins with a gut feeling,’ Sturmer says. ‘When we think about that friendship, do we feel excited or nurtured or content – or do we feel irritated or frustrated or anxious?

Of course, the depth of a bond can fluctuate: sometimes we might find a friendship draining and at other times find the same friendship supportive. This goes beyond the everyday ups and downs of relationships, and invites us to consider how we feel about that particular connection on a deeper level. Does it meet our needs?’

There are some red flags to look out for, according to Sturmer. These include:

• Dreading seeing our friend, or even dreading being in touch with them.
• Feeling overwhelmed or exhausted in their company.
• Experiencing the friendship as a one-way street, rather than a balanced relationship.
• Feeling as if we are being drawn into playing games, or being manipulated in some way, leading to anxiety, jealousy or anger.
• Lacking things to say to each other, or a sense of shared connection.
• Feeling embarrassed by our friend’s behavior or views.

This isn’t about surrounding ourselves with sycophants, it’s about noticing if we start to cringe or feel awkward about being connected to the other person.

These red flags don’t have to mean that you abruptly end the friendship. There may be things going on in your friend’s life that are impacting them in a way that is challenging, but doesn’t necessarily mean that you should no longer be friends. It’s worth thinking about whether these behaviors or feelings are long-term issues, or whether things have shifted, and what could be influencing them.

‘Evaluate your own expectations,’ Sturmer says. ‘If you’re feeling like you’re experiencing friendship problems, consider whether you are expecting too much. Are you being realistic in terms of how much of their time and energy is available, or are you asking too much? If things have changed, and your friend is behaving differently, are you able to allow the friendship to evolve?’

It’s worth thinking about how friendships shift, and not ending a friendship just because of this. ‘As we move through life transitions, it can be tempting to move away from old friendships in favor of newer ones,’ Sturmer says. ‘And that often makes sense, as we might feel as if we have more in common with our newer friends.

Sometimes we might even feel that we might not be friends with our older friends if we met them today. Yet it can also be worth hanging on to our older friendships in order to remind ourselves of who we are, and to be able to enjoy the collective memory that we build in our long-term friendships. And to know that if someone has been there for us through thick and thin, then that’s likely to remain a constant sense of security and protection for the future.’

Sturmer highlights communication as key. ‘If you feel as if you have issues that you need to address, think about how you communicate this to your friend,’ she says. ‘Avoid making it feel like an accusation or an insult. Use “I” statements to show them how you are feeling, and avoid blaming them.’ This gives both you and your friend the chance to talk about how you’re feeling.

Speaking with Sturmer, I realize I’ve been on the receiving end of this situation, where a friend I’d lost touch with told me she was disappointed that I hadn’t contacted her during a difficult time in her life. I knew she was right, and was aware that I had not been a good friend to someone I cared about.

Although it hurt to know this, I wasn’t upset or angry at my friend for telling me how she felt – in fact, I was grateful that she had shared this, and it gave us the opportunity to rebuild our friendship. I also learned something about myself – that I can struggle to maintain contact, and that I need to make a conscious effort to keep up communication.

If you want to try to resolve your friendship problems, Sturmer emphasizes the importance of making time for your friend, and doing what you can to build that connection. This can help make things better, while also being a chance to see how you really feel about them.

‘We deserve to have balanced, positive friendships in our life and not to have to dedicate our time or energy to support a friendship that might feel overwhelming, exhausting, or simply stuck in the past,’ Sturmer says.

Words: Caroline Butterwick