Expert tips for better festive small-talk

Love them or hate them, ‘tis the season for Christmas conversations, so how do we embrace them happily even if we naturally shy away, asks Kellie Gillespie-Wright.

Words: Kellie Gillespie-Wright. Images: Shutterstock, Pexels

The holiday season is here, and calendars are filling up with festive functions, family gatherings, and office parties. Along with those events comes a seemingly endless stream of opportunities (or requirements, depending on your point of view) for small talk. Whether it’s catching up with distant relatives, mingling with colleagues you don’t often see, or meeting new people at a party, one thing is certain: you’ll be making conversation.

For some, small talk is as easy as sipping hot cocoa by the fire. But others would rather walk through hot coals. That’s where Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, comes in. According to Fine, small talk isn’t just meaningless fluff; it’s a vital skill that helps build deeper connections in all aspects of life. ‘Small talk serves as the appetiser for relationships,’ Fine explains. ‘Whether in business, social, or romantic settings, it opens the door to deeper connections, allowing relationships to evolve from casual interactions into meaningful bonds.’

So while you may think of small talk as trivial, it’s actually the gateway to richer, more engaging conversations. And the best part? It’s a skill anyone can master.

But still, small talk often gets a bad rap. We dismiss it as superficial or awkward, but Fine defends it: ‘Small talk is seen as the lowly stepchild of real conversation,’ she says. ‘Yet it serves an extremely important function. Without it, you rarely get to the real conversation.’ Think of it as the first step in a dance—you can’t jump straight into the meaningful stuff without first easing into the rhythm.

Casual conversation happens everywhere: in the lift at the office, at the checkout queue at the supermarket, while picking up your kids from football practice. ‘For some of us, these constant demands for small talk don’t make it any easier,’ admits Fine. But the good news is that small talk is a skill you can practice and refine.

‘The first step is to let go of the idea that we are all somehow supposed to know how to converse with strangers and acquaintances,’ Fine explains. ‘We are not taught how to do it, nor is there some biological mechanism that instinctively takes over when we find ourselves in a conversational quandary.’

The trick, according to Fine, is recognising the value of small talk and embracing it as a tool for connection. ‘Small talk is no small thing,’ she says. ‘It’s a valuable personal and professional thread that connects people.’ Once you appreciate its power, you’ll find it easier to dive into conversations with confidence. And for good reason: Research shows that even brief social interactions, like chatting with a stranger, can boost your mood and make you feel more connected.

According to Methot et al. (2021), small talk not only lifts your spirits but it also encourages cooperation. And while many people dread small talk, studies suggest it generally has a positive effect on how we feel. Gillian Sandstrom, a psychology lecturer at the University of Sussex, notes that casual chats with strangers can increase happiness, energy levels, and feelings of inclusion. ‘They often promote learning, expand people’s worldviews, and contribute to a sense of belonging,’ she says. These interactions benefit both parties and are often seen as acts of kindness, fostering a sense of connection.

Even more fascinating is the phenomenon of ‘neural coupling,’ where our brains sync up during conversations. Research shows that speech patterns, gestures, and even breathing can align, creating a deeper connection. Small talk sets the stage for this, making ‘big talk’ more likely. Engaging in small talk shows openness, which builds familiarity and trust. This process, called ‘interpersonal synchronisation,’ helps us feel like we know someone after just a few words, setting the foundation for more substantial conversations.

The hardest part of small talk, however, is often starting it. Fortunately, the festive season gives you plenty of built-in conversation starters. Think about it: with festive lights, decorations, and holiday traditions all around, you’re never short of topics. ‘What matters is taking the plunge and starting the conversation,’ says Fine.

Try these light, festive icebreakers to kick things off if you’re struggling: ‘Have you decorated your home yet? What’s your theme this year?’; ‘What’s your favourite holiday drink—eggnog, hot chocolate, or something else?’; or ‘Do you have any Christmas traditions you always look forward to?’ These light-hearted questions are perfect for setting a warm tone. And because they’re tied to the season, they feel natural and timely.

Fine also suggests keeping an eye on your surroundings. ‘Take advantage of “free information,”’ she says. This means using details around you to spark conversation, whether it’s a compliment on someone’s festive sweater or a comment about the Christmas décor.

Once the ice is broken, the goal is to keep the conversation flowing. According to Fine, the key is to show genuine interest in the other person. ‘The more interest you show in others, the more interesting you become,’ she says. And the easiest way to do this? Ask open-ended questions that invite more thoughtful responses. Instead of ‘Where are you from?’ try ‘What do you love most about where you grew up?’ This small shift encourages the other person to share stories and details that lead to more engaging conversations.

Fine emphasises the importance of follow-up questions, too. If someone shares that they’re planning a big festive dinner, dig a little deeper: ‘What’s your favourite dish to make for Christmas?’ These follow-ups signal that you’re truly invested in what they have to say, which keeps the conversation from fizzling out.

Try developing a good conversation formula. Start by sharing something about yourself or commenting on your surroundings. Keep it light to create a sense of common ground. Then, ask an easy, open-ended question. When the other person responds, listen closely, put away distractions like your phone, and give them your full attention. Show real interest by actively listening and responding naturally. If you share something in common, acknowledge it with a simple ‘Me too!’ If your experience is different, share that positively to keep the conversation friendly.

Ask follow-up questions to keep things moving, making the exchange feel natural and balanced. And always be curious—this keeps the conversation engaging and helps you learn more, strengthening your connection. If things get awkward, embrace it; it’s all an important part of expanding your comfort zone.

But being a great conversationalist isn’t just about talking; it’s also about listening. In fact, Fine argues that good listening is at the heart of meaningful conversation. ‘Attentive listening has three parts: visual, verbal, and mental. Combine these elements, and powerful listening results,’ she explains. This means you should make eye contact, nod, and use verbal cues like ‘That’s fascinating,’ or ‘Tell me more!’ These small actions let the other person know you’re fully engaged.

And here’s a pro tip: people love talking about themselves. So, the more you listen, the more they’ll enjoy the conversation. Fine offers a valuable reminder: ‘We become better conversationalists when we employ two primary objectives. Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger. Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation.’ In other words, be proactive, and don’t wait for someone else to make the first move.

Finding common ground is always a good way to start. Try approaching it like a treasure hunt. Ask yourself questions like, ‘What makes this person interesting?’ or ‘How quickly can I connect with them?’ Shifting your mindset this way makes small talk more engaging, as you become eager to uncover something unique about the person you’re speaking with.

Move beyond small talk by introducing more personalised questions. For instance, if a colleague mentions attending a concert, ask them what their favourite part was. This allows the conversation to transition from basic chatter to something deeper and more meaningful.

For individuals who feel anxious or awkward in social settings, Fine recommends breaking down social interaction into smaller chunks. ‘Turn interacting with fellow guests into a manageable task,’ she says. ‘Challenge yourself to connect with a specific number of people, whether it’s one, three, or four—whatever feels doable for you.’ By setting realistic goals, people can reduce their anxiety and find small talk less overwhelming.

Unfortunately, festive gatherings can sometimes take a sharp left turn into tricky territory, whether that’s politics, family tension, or other sensitive subjects. Fine has a simple solution: acknowledge the other person’s point of view without diving too deep. ‘I can see where you’re coming from,’ you might say, before shifting the conversation with something like, ‘Have you noticed how early the Christmas decorations went up this year?’

Humour can also work wonders. Fine recommends lightening the mood with a personal story or funny holiday mishap: ‘This reminds me of the time we almost burned the turkey on Christmas Eve!’ By keeping things light and festive, you can usually steer the conversation back to more comfortable ground for both of you.

Of course, eventually, every conversation reaches a natural end. Knowing how to exit gracefully is just as important as starting strong. Fine offers some simple, effective strategies for bowing out of a conversation without awkwardness. ‘Done properly, an authentic farewell will actually enhance your relationship,’ she says. A couple of polite ways to wrap things up could be, ‘It was great talking with you! I’m going to grab another drink, but I hope we can chat again later,’ or ‘I need to catch up with the host, but it was lovely chatting with you!’

It’s also important to recognise when the other person is ready to end the conversation. If they’re giving shorter responses or seem distracted, offer them an easy out with something like, ‘I won’t keep you any longer, but it was wonderful talking to you!’

So, this holiday season, don’t shy away from small talk—embrace it. Whether you’re breaking the ice with a fun question or gracefully exiting a conversation, small talk is an invaluable tool for connection. As Fine puts it: ‘Small talk is the verbal equivalent of that first domino: It starts a chain reaction with all kinds of implications for your life.’ And as she reminds us: ‘The more interest you show in others, the more interesting you become.’

So go ahead, start that conversation—you never know where it might lead!

Next steps:

• Read Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends by Patrick King
• Listen to Nobody Panic Podcast – How to Be Good at Small Talk, Ep. 65
• Watch Breaking the Habit of Small Talk, Omid Scheybani, TEDTalks
• Get involved: The Small Talk Saves Lives Campaign, The Samaritans