Don’t get triggered by your mother
A difficult mother will criticise your efforts and choices and sees you as a possession or a reflection on her, writes Dr Terri Apter. So how do you respond calmly? Thea Anderson has some tips
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Psychologies
1. Dealing with general criticism
Your mother says: ‘There’s a lot of dust in your house. I know you work, but your family needs a clean home.’
You say: ‘Mum, this is my house. I’m comfortable with my housekeeping. If there’s an issue, I’ll deal with it.’
2 Personal criticism
Your mother says: ‘I wish you wouldn’t wear your hair like that – it makes you look fat.’
You say (calmly): ‘Mum, it’s my hair and I’m happy with the way it looks. It’s hurtful to me that you say this.’
3. Over-neediness
Your mother says: ‘I need you to phone me every day. I could have a heart attack and you wouldn’t know. What would people think?’
You say: ‘If you’re really worried about this Mum, there’s an easy solution – we could buy you an emergency safety alarm to wear.’
4. Controlling behaviour
Your mother says: ‘You should tell your daughter to do her homework on a Friday.’
You say: ‘We work out her homework schedule together. You don’t need to be concerned about it.’
5. Manipulation
Your mother says: ‘What do you mean you’re not coming for Christmas? You know how hard I work cooking. We always have Christmas here. How could you do this to me?’
You say: ‘It’s important for us to spend time with the other side of the family, too. The holidays will be different from time to time.’
Photograph: Bernd Vogel/Corbis
