Inside “Open When” – life lessons from Dr Julie Smith

International best-selling author and psychologist Dr Julie Smith tells Sally Saunders how she has coped with global success — and life-changing news

Words: Sally Saunders. Images: Sarah Brick

When she began writing her new book, Open When, created to help readers when they are in the thick of life’s challenges, Dr Julie Smith never guessed she would soon be taking her own advice as she faced a crisis herself. The psychologist and star of TikTok and Instagram was riding high — her first book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, spent more than 100 weeks in the bestseller lists, and was placed number 49 in the Sunday Times Top 100 Bestsellers of the past 50 years.

‘The first book took on a life of its own, really,’ she says. ‘When it got into the Sunday Times bestseller list, my husband invited a few friends over for a small gathering to celebrate, and it was so nice for us all to get together. They were all saying, “Oh, let’s have a party every week it stays in the Sunday Times.” And then we had to change that to, “We’ll have one when it drops out of the list!” It was beyond anything I ever considered.’

Read our first interview with Dr Julie here!

The response from readers was the most satisfying, and enlightening, part, she explains. ‘I got so many messages from people telling me that they keep it with them to help them when they’re really struggling. I heard about one particular lady who didn’t have it with her one day, felt she needed it, and got her mum to go over to her house, find the book and read bits out so that she could remember what she needed.

‘That was just a lovely story to hear, but I couldn’t help but think I didn’t write it with that in mind — I would have put different things in if I’d known that was the case. And at the same time I had a lovely follower who sent me a gift. And I didn’t know this was a thing at the time, but it’s a bit of a trend where girls will send each other “open when” letters.

‘So there’s an envelope with “open when you’re feeling sad”, or when you’re feeling lonely, and you put little quotes in them. It’s a really sweet idea. And so the two sort of events collided. I thought, “Oh, that would just be great to have it all in one place.” So that’s when the idea for this book was starting to be born.’

Find your focus

It is this simplicity and humility that has made Smith such a massive success. She manages to combine psychological insights with an easy, personal and conversational style that makes her work both insightful and accessible.

‘I think there’s such a gap there, where everyday life can be more difficult than it needs to be, because we don’t necessarily have access to that sort of insight about what you can do to shift the moment,’ she says. ‘There are times that we all face at some point, when it’s really difficult to work out which way is up and how to focus on the direction that’s going to lead you through and out the other side. Sometimes you need to shift your attention, and then you can remember your values, remember your way forward, and that helps to guide you to think clearly.

‘I feel super grateful, because my husband tends to say the right things to help me through that moment. But not everyone has someone like that, and even if you do, we’re not with them all the time. But that kind of help can really make a difference. It doesn’t make the problem go away, but a strong foot forward feels fundamentally different to a fearful foot back.

In the eye of the storm

Smith sums up this shift from enlightening readers about the fundamentals of psychological health to a more instant, first-aid approach, beautifully. ‘In the days before a hurricane, it’s great to give someone a hammer and nails and the tools they need to prepare for what’s up ahead. But when the storm hits, someone telling you that you should have been better prepared is not what you want or need to hear at all. You need someone to put their hands on your shoulders, look in your eyes, and say: “It’s going to be all right. We’re in this together. I know a way through, let’s get to work.”’

As a result of this shift, each of the chapters starts with a personal letter to the reader, from Smith, to create a connection with the reader.

‘Sometimes you’re not ready to look at the real-time tools,’ she explains. ‘Sometimes there’s something that needs to happen before that. So if someone comes into the therapy room, for example, they’re in distress, we don’t instantly start on developing their toolkit. We look at where we’re at, we develop our connection, and then, when they’re ready, then we move on to the tools.

‘So I wrote those letters to allow someone to find that sense of clarity, to think, “Ok, here’s what I need to focus on. Here’s the direction I feel like I need to go in. How do I get there?”’

Becoming her own rescuer

Smith was left asking herself that question when she faced her own challenge last summer. ‘It was about six weeks before I had to hand the book in, and I found a lump,’ she explains. ‘I had the thought of “Everything is so busy, I’m on a deadline, shall I get this book in and then sort that out?” I mulled it over for a day or two, but then I didn’t delay it any further, and I went to get seen.

‘That led to the diagnosis, about a week before I had to hand in the book.’

Receiving a cancer diagnosis at such a young age (she is now 40, and has three young children) is every woman’s nightmare, but Smith has managed to turn even this into something to take strength from, and use it to help others.

‘I was at the point where I was reading through the manuscript and tidying it up, and I wanted to get it finished so that I could focus on everything else. And I just so happened to be reading the chapter on fear. And when I was in it myself, feeling fear, I just thought, “No, actually, this isn’t quite what I need right now.” So I pressed delete and in that moment I wrote that initial letter for myself and what I felt like I needed at the time.

‘I needed something quite hard, very straight down the line. “We are here. We’re not going to be victim to this. So we’re going to turn it on its head: rather than be the prey, we’re going to be the predator. We’re going to chase this thing down, and we’re going to do what we need to get going.”

‘It really helped me. At the time we were supposed to be waiting for things to happen, but instead I turned it into action. I started getting second opinions, making appointments. It felt fundamentally different to this paralysing fear of just waiting for stuff to happen to me. I actually got to work in sort of rescuing myself.

‘I had surgery, and it was a success, and I was so lucky that I didn’t have to have radiation and all the things that make you really poorly. So I’m really happy now, to be out the other side.’

Still feeling social?

Taking months out from making her massively popular video content — firstly due to writing her book and then due to her illness — has seen her come back to the medium refreshed. ‘It’s interesting: even though something is work, when it’s taken away from you, not out of choice, you feel grateful to have the chance to do what you’re good at again,’ she says.

But while she is enjoying her return, and loves the way that social media allows her to reach people with her crucial messages, she is also well aware of its dangers. ‘I’ve always kind of seen social media as a bit like motorways: they’re not going anywhere, because they’re really useful and so they’re always going to be something that you can use to your advantage, but they’re not without their risks. It’s something that you have to learn how to use carefully if it’s going to improve your life without taking away from it. It’s a tool, but like many tools, it has dangers attached to it, if you’re not going to think carefully about how you’re going to use it.’

Expert or influencer?

Most people with as many online followers as Smith (4.8 million on TikTok, another two million on Instagram) are proud to be considered influencers, but that’s not a label Smith subscribes to, or something she pegs her worth to.

‘I’m really glad that it all happened to me a bit later, that none of that happened to me when I was 20,’ she says. ‘I already had a decent relationship, a decent career, a decent family, that was my absolute priority. I had my value set, and I knew what my self-esteem was built around. I didn’t hang my self-worth on any of it, and I think a lot of that was helped by the fact that I was making the videos to be helpful, and I wasn’t doing it for any kind of social validation. I think that’s really dangerous for your own sense of self-esteem or your estimation of yourself, to put that in the hands of people you don’t know.’

Fortunately, she says she’s never really received much abuse or trolling and tries to let it go when she is criticised. ‘Back in the day I might get the odd comment if somebody didn’t like my outfit, or the way I looked or something, but I knew I could always get past that in my own mind, because I knew it wasn’t why I was there,’ she says.

‘I wasn’t there to be a model. And just as long as one or two people found the video helpful, then it had done its job.’

And perhaps, after all her online success, writing is her most natural medium. ‘As an introvert, and a quiet person, I wouldn’t naturally reach out to other people or talk about things, I would go inwards, and read and write,’ she says.

‘I would do expressive writing, and keep diaries, and I would read lots of self-help. And I think I found what I was looking for, but you have to sift through a lot of rubbish before you get to the stuff that’s really helpful! That always frustrated me. I would fill notebooks with quotes, I might have one or two from each book that I’d read, and to think of all the reading I’d had to do to get those couple of bits of learnings.

‘I like the idea that if you’ve got something valuable to say, don’t fill it out. Less is more.’

Open When by Julie Smith (Penguin, £20) is out now