Healing after betrayal: 5 steps to reclaim your heart

Healing from betrayal is a deeply personal journey. Whether you’re dealing with the aftermath of infidelity or emotional betrayal, Dating and Transformation Coach Manj Bahra offers 5 practical steps to help you heal from betrayal and rebuild your life.

When the news broke about Dave Grohl fathering a child outside his marriage, many of us could relate to the experience of being betrayed. Collectively, there’s a global community who could immediately identify with the experience of his partner. No matter whether it’s a high-profile celebrity or an ordinary person, the sting of betrayal is universal.

But the good news? Healing is possible.

Though not statistics any of us will take joy in, research shows that around 30-40% of unmarried relationships and 18-20% of marriages experience at least one incident of sexual infidelity. And while the numbers are shocking in themselves, they don’t capture the personal devastation betrayals cause. Nor the long road to recovery many face. Whether you choose to stay with your partner or end the relationship, healing from betrayal is a deeply personal journey.

However, this is a journey that has the potential to lead to a beautiful destination.

I’m not going to post a rosy picture filled with platitudes of love conquers all. But I am going to share the practical steps I’ve seen deliver massive healing and new beginnings for the clients I’ve worked with in my relationship coaching practice.

1. Acknowledge the Experience — Without Needing to Understand It.

Spoiler alert: This one can be tricky.

As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. Wanting to understand how and why something occurred is how we make that meaning.

When betrayal strikes, it’s natural to want to know why. But trying to immediately make sense of the betrayal can be exhausting and unproductive. Instead of diving into explanations or rationalisations, it’s crucial to simply acknowledge what has happened.

This will hurt terribly but it’s the beginning of the healing process.

Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, anger, sadness, disbelief, without judgement. These feelings can even feel like a cocktail at times, as multiple emotions seem to be at play all at once.

Your brain is in overdrive at this point. The emotional part of the brain, known as the amygdala, is activated, triggering intense sensations that can feel overwhelming. The amygdala is where the fight, flight, freeze response comes from. This activation is a normal reaction, and it’s essential to let yourself go through it.

It’s an understatement to say this is a messy stage, but it’s necessary.

2. Remove Triggers.

Healing from betrayal does not happen overnight.

Every step you can take to choose your healing above everything else is a move in the right direction.

This is why reclaiming your physical space is a robust next step.

Healing is difficult enough without constant reminders of the betrayal. One powerful step to reclaiming your peace is removing the things that trigger painful memories. Whether it’s deleting old text messages, packing photos away or letting go of shared belongings, these tangible actions can build the foundation for the rest of your healing journey.

By clearing away these triggers, you create the mental space needed to begin moving forward. It’s not about erasing the past, but rather giving yourself a clean slate from which to start healing.

By taking these actions, you will make a big difference in how you feel day to day.

3. Move Your Body, Rebuild Your Life Pillars.

The emotional toll of betrayal can often leave you feeling immobilised, both mentally and physically. That’s why it’s essential to get moving in the most literal sense. Physical movement can help release pent-up energy and emotions, while also triggering feel-good hormones that help in the healing process.

It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but there comes a point where hiding all day in your jammies on the couch is going to draw you backwards.

And forward momentum is what you need here.

Now, we’re not necessarily talking about you signing up for the Marathon des Sables here where you run for seven days through the Sahara Desert.

Gentle movement counts too. Maybe you walk around the block to begin with, or you follow a 15-minute YouTube stretching tutorial, but the key is to move.

And don’t be surprised if, as your healing journey gets underway, you start entertaining some ideas of physical feats. Heartbreak can often be the catalyst for massive personal transformation.

I have a client who by her own description was a couch potato. As she committed to her healing journey, she started to feel drawn to weightlifting. She joined a gym, found a personal trainer, and is now breaking personal best records monthly!

4. Learn Something New

Remember, healing happens in stages and it isn’t linear.

The five steps I’m sharing here are not going to be steps you take all at once. But don’t sell yourself short either. Part of rebuilding your life is to engage in activities that lead you back to fully participating with society.

One of the most unexpected but effective ways to heal is by learning something new.

Again, you don’t have to sign up for a PhD in quantum physics to learn something new.

Something as simple as reading a genre of book you ordinarily wouldn’t choose, learning a new language or figuring out a new recipe will engage your brain. This will act as a break from constantly ruminating over the betrayal.

New experiences offer fresh perspectives. By stepping into a new learning environment, you remind yourself that life is full of opportunities and potential. Plus, mastering something new can be a real confidence booster when you’re feeling low.

5. Create Your Own Closure

“Closure” has become a mainstream concept over the last few years.

We all seek it, possibly for the meaning it can help us make of the experiences we go through in our lives.

In a perfect world, the person who betrayed you would apologise, offer explanations and help you find closure. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Waiting for someone else to give you closure can keep you stuck in emotional limbo.

It’s important to actively create your own closure. This is where the psychological concept of the Zeigarnik effect comes into play.

The Zeigarnik effect refers to the tendency to remember unfinished business more vividly than completed tasks. When we leave something unresolved, it lingers in our minds. That’s why creating closure is so crucial. 

Writing a letter (even if you never send it), where you lay out your feelings and begin reframing the experience as one that contributes to your personal growth is a step I’ve seen many of my clients take with great effect.

Taking charge of your healing process in this way allows you to transform a painful chapter into an empowering story. One where you emerge stronger, wiser, and ready for the next phase of your life.

Final Thoughts

Healing from betrayal is a process, and it’s important to remember that progress won’t always be linear. You may have days where you feel strong and others where the weight of the pain pulls you back. That’s normal. The key is to be kind to yourself and trust that, with time and effort, you will heal.

Betrayal doesn’t define you.

But how you choose to heal and rebuild your life after betrayal does.

Manj Bahra is a renowned Dating and Transformation Coach. Helping 500+ clients across the globe, Manj has been described as “having the wisdom of a 300 year old man”. He combines neuroscience, psychology and coaching with wit and a warm heart for his clients. When Cupid’s arrow misses the mark, Manj’s guidance helps heal broken hearts, paves the way for love’s return and creates the environment for rapid transformation. Book a no-obligation, free discovery call here.