5 ways to feel more comfortable in your own skin

Heidi Scrimgeour looks at what it means to love the skin you’re in, and gives her top tips on feeling body-confident.

Here’s something I’ve never really told anyone: I’m a size 18. I weigh more than I ever have, and about a year ago I reached a point of hating my body so intensely that I started turning down social invitations because of my preoccupation with how I look.

And here’s something I never really expected to be able to say: six sessions with a body-confidence coach changed all that, unlocking a degree of body positivity within me that is still deeply rooted 12 months on.

What led me to a body-confidence coach was a conversation we’d had more than a year earlier, when we’d met on a training course. I’d explained how ill at ease I had become within my body, and described feeling constantly torn between a compulsion to try to transform it and a deep desire to learn to accept it.

‘You know you can do both,’ she’d said, or words to that effect, and I felt as if my brain was a computer that had gone into shutdown mode. How could that possibly be true? How could you both accept your physical ‘flaws’ and at the same time take steps to change your appearance? To me, those two things were polar opposites, and the fact that I didn’t seem to have the resolve to stick to one path or the other was all part of my problem.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what body-confidence coaching did for me but, over a period of weeks, Becci Gowers guided me through uncovering what was going on beneath the loathing I felt for my body. I went from feeling angry with myself for ‘letting myself go’ to recognising the impact of numerous factors on my physical wellbeing. From developing a thyroid condition and losing my dad to a cardiac arrest, to the closure of my gym during lockdown and giving up freelancing for employment with office hours, I started to view my body and all the ways it has changed with a fresh sense of compassion. It’s been through a lot, after all.

The biggest change since undergoing body-confidence coaching is the fact that I am choosing to exercise for my health and wellbeing – at the same time as accepting my body exactly as it is, even if I never lose a pound or drop an inch. Gowers was right; true body confidence means both accepting your body and choosing to treat it well.

That’s something writer Hilde Østby understands. In her latest book, My Belly, Østby draws on philosophy, neurology, sociology, literature, and popular culture to explore her own experience of hating her body, and concludes that body confidence isn’t actually about how we look.

‘What I discovered while writing the book is that body confidence is not directly linked to how you look at all – I have never disliked my own body as strongly as when I weighed the least and worked out all the time, at a point when I was suffering from anorexia,’ she says. ‘I was 15 years old, I had just been molested by a grown man, and I hated my life intensely, trying to solve everything with not eating and being very underweight. Since then, my weight has fluctuated more than 40kg, distributed on the same height, and it was never how I looked that had to do with me feeling body confident and happy in my skin.’

Østby goes so far as to say that the word ‘body’ is superfluous when it comes to body confidence. ‘It became clear to me that it had solely to do with confidence. If you need to work on your body confidence, work on your depression and anxiety levels, and on finding peace with yourself,’ she says.

‘Anxiety and depression and trauma manifest as a wish to manipulate the body, strongly reinforced by a culture where people sell diet plans and apps and clothes and the dream of the thin, controlled woman and the perfect body,’ adds Østby. ‘I was shocked to find that half of Norwegian women try to diet, no matter their age – the oldest in this study being 99 years – and that the average British woman has tried to diet 61 times by the age of 45. My point is that to treat body discomfort with changing the body, or accepting your body, will not work. You have to love you to love your body.’

I asked Østby about how to integrate the conflicting feelings of wanting to change my body and wanting to accept it as it is. She said: ‘Would you talk like that about your own child? That you try to accept him or her? You have to love yourself, and as a mum, it’s almost your duty. Studies show how fast the body hatred and dieting of mothers is contagious to their children; they pick up on our body discomfort very fast. So playing with your child, cuddling and laughing and connecting: there’s nothing as healing as that. And throw away your scales, stop dieting; all research shows dieting doesn’t work. To be extra thin, unhappy, and disconnected is more unhealthy for you than to be extra big, connected, and happy.’

This resonates with me because while my body hasn’t changed much since my sessions with a body-confidence coach, I feel like an entirely new person. It’s actually less that I’ve learned to ‘accept’ my body and certainly not that I’ve transformed it. It’s more that I’ve come to understand that it was never unacceptable in the first place. As Østby puts it, your body isn’t an object that you choose to accept but, rather, it’s an integral part of who you are, and deeply worthy and deserving of your love.

One reason many of us struggle to feel comfortable in our skin at this time of year is that it’s more on show than usual – whether we’re just relaxing in the park or having fun at the beach. Here, more experts share practical tips to help you feel more at ease…

1. Focus on all the wonderful things your body can do

‘Focus on what your body can do, rather than how it looks,’ says Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh, psychotherapist and lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire. ‘Building strength in your body by engaging in physical activity and exercise that you enjoy can make you appreciate your body more, and in turn build body confidence,’ she adds. ‘Weight-bearing exercise, yoga, swimming, running and dancing are all great options.’

Dr. Laura Geige, a medical doctor and psychologist, also believes promoting an internal dialogue that emphasises body functionality over aesthetics is helpful, and explains: ‘Celebrating what one’s body can do, rather than how it appears, helps in fostering gratitude and resilience against negative self-perceptions.’

2. Dial down the noise

Our Instagram and TikTok feeds are often inundated with size 6 models, tanned celebrities, and perky fitness influencers with sparkly white teeth, which can make us lose touch with reality. And comparison is the thief of joy – it’s why Suzy Reading, psychologist and author of Rest To Reset (Octopus, £12.99), recommends editing the content you are exposed to on social media and being mindful of the facade around it all: ‘Dial down the noise if this messaging is getting to you,’ says Reading. ‘Curate your social media feed, unsubscribe from mailing lists, and be mindful of your audio and visual diet. Remember that the images we’re consuming are likely to be manipulated and filtered, so the ideals we aspire to are rarely humanly possible – “reel life” is not real life!’

3. Embrace cold-water therapy!

Enduring a cold shower in the morning could be the ticket to body confidence, suggests Dowthwaite-Walsh. ‘Taking cold showers every day can be another way of building confidence,’ she says. ‘By tolerating the extreme feeling of cold, the body learns to manage the stress response and, over time, it can help you become less reactive to stress, more alert, and energised. Studies have found that cold-water therapy such as cold showers, cold-water immersion and outdoor swimming can reduce symptoms of depression,’ Dowthwaite-Walsh adds.

4. Self-care rituals

Comfortable swimwear and a spritz of perfume are two great ways to boost your confidence before heading to the beach. And Dr. Geige believes incorporating simple self-care rituals into our routines can help set us up for a good day. She says: ‘Building confidence or a beach visit can also involve preparatory self-care rituals that emphasise self-respect, rather than vanity.

This could include choosing beachwear that emphasises comfort and personal style over trend conformity, engaging in activities that boost body positivity, and setting realistic expectations for the experience.’ Dowthwaite-Walsh also encourages regular acts of self-kindness and self-care. For example, by having a massage or wearing clothes you love. ‘These regular acts of kindness are great ways to say thank you to the wonderful body that houses you. By showing we care, we tell ourselves that we are worthy, and this in turn can build confidence,’ says Dowthwaite-Walsh.

5. Mindfulness practices

If you start to feel anxious while at the beach, mindfulness techniques could come in handy – try to focus on the sound of the crashing waves and the feeling of sand under your feet, for example. ‘Cultivating mindfulness practices can help anchor one’s thoughts in the present moment, reducing the propensity to make unfavourable comparisons,’ explains Dr. Geige. This is something Reading does regularly, and she recommends taking slow breaths and using words of affirmation – even if you’re just saying them internally – to help soothe the nervous system.

Explaining her process, she says: ‘I’ll breathe in through my nose and exhale through pursed lips to lengthen my exhale. I’ll lift my gaze and the corner of my lips and feel the uplift this creates, and I’ll remember why I’m doing it: because life is for the living! I want to feel alive and drink the juice of summer – the warmth of the sunlight on my skin, the sand beneath my feet, the fresh cool sensation of the water washing away these doubts, these artificial deficits, and I will give myself permission to keep immersing myself in my senses and savouring the many joys available to me.’

Find out more about how to build self belief, or take our test and find out what makes your confidence shine through!

Find Heidi on Instagram at instagram.com/heidiscrim